The Alamo's Basement

Adventures in Pop Radio 18: Kid Cudi "Day N Nite"

2009-04-16T16:02:00.005-05:00

As an effete music critic, I don’t allow myself to venture into the cultural cesspool that is pop radio. With this feature, I aim to change that. Each week, I will purposefully listen (or watch it’s video) to a “hot” song I haven’t heard five times, and write my reactions.

Background: Kid Cudi's "Day N Nite" is the number seven song in the country this week, almost a year after it hit the top spot in the U.K. before Cudi even had a record deal. I vaguely heard the song at a bar in Minneapolis in January, but didn't fully hear it until February when I wrote up the video for Prefix. So, I guess I'm breaking my rule, but it marks a special occasion in Adventures in Pop Radio, since this is the first song I've honestly liked since I wrote up M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" in September.

Listen One: Kid Cudi is often lumped in with a new group of rappers (Asher Roth, Wale, Charles Hamilton, and others) that are more popular on blogs than on the radio or in magazines. Roth is the only one who will have an album out once he's debut comes out next week, but Cudi is the only one with a bonafied hit single. "Day N Nite" is the most mellow hit rap song of all time I think, because this song never moves above it's chilled to the max tempo and lyrical flow. The beat is languid, and Cudi sounds like he's delivering the lyrics in a recliner. It's an all around great song, way better than pretty much everything in the top 50 right now.

Listen Two: The one thing I don't really like about the song is that it's loosely about being a depressed stoner, and that part of Cudi's game is kind of weak. Yeah, I get it, you smoke pot, but the parts about being alone and not-clear headed would have worked way better without referencing clips, and all that. It's kind of petty, but it could become a hinderance like it is for Roth (I've heard about five songs by Roth, and all were centered around getting high. His album is out on 4/20 for Pete's sake).

Listen Three: How cool is this music video? The mix between hand-drawn animation and live action is pulled off effortlessly. Really, really cool stuff.

Listen Four: I'm not sure what else I can write about this beside the fact that this really great. It actually has me excited for Cudi's full-length, which is currently in production, and has been pushed back about a dozen times and had more release dates than Dr. Dre's Detox. Seriously Cudi, put out a full-length.

Listen Five: I'm sorry to all y'alls out there who wanted a cuss-filled rant about someone's physical appearance and lack of talent. This week's kind of a cop-out because I've written about six of the top ten songs, and this one was the most promising. I'll get it together for next week. I promise. And also, poop.

Next Week: Probably the new Lady Gaga song, "Poker Face," but maybe the new Rascal Flatts single.

Late to the Party 1: Friendly Fires

2009-04-16T15:30:00.004-05:00

I'll be honest here: While I get paid to listen to new music, there is some music that falls through the cracks. In this new semi-irregular feature, I try to catch up on a band I missed.

Background: Friendly Fires are a U.K. dance band who released their self-titled debut in September. The threesome have been touring the states furiously since. They're the latest in a line of Nu-Rave rock bands, which basically means their music sounds more electronic and dance oriented than the British music press typically likes.

Why I Missed 'Em: Well, that one's hard to explain. I am typically fond of white boys doing guitar-oriented dance music, and especially British ones (sorry to all for foisting Klaxons on them). I heard their "On Board" in a Wii commercial and was unimpressed. I was also similarly unimpressed by first singles "Paris" and "Jump in the Pool" after giving a few listens before writing up a pair of video posts for the Prefix. I wish I had something better to write, but around the time their album came out, I was hung up on the new TV on the Radio, Kings of Leon, Brightblack Morning Light, and El Guincho records. Call it an oversight.

How I Got to the Party: Well, about four days ago I downloaded their album off a Torrent site I frequent after I noticed it was up. I've been listening to it on a constant rotation since. It's perfect pancake making music, perfect blog post writing music, and perfect book reading music. While most of the album seems to be at a breathless tempo, that never seems like a mistake--they actually sound energetic enough to do a 45 minute dance rock set without having to put in a slow number to allow people to mellow out. It's a fast, bouncy, effervescent, and charming album, and I blew it until now.

Here's a sampling:

"Jump in the Pool"
The song's video kind of put me off since it actually features a pool, but it kind of nails what I like about this band--the sweet choruses, the off the rails drumming, and the pop chops.

"Paris"

"White Diamonds"
This one kind of starts with a honky tonk line, and then explodes in a thousand directions.

"Lovesick"
This is my favorite song on the record, because it kind of sounds like a cross between Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, about a thousand other 1980s hits, and a club.

So Who's Next?: I have no idea.

Adventures in Pop Radio 17: Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow"

2009-04-10T22:59:00.004-05:00

Background: So I've put this off till the latest moment this business week (11 p.m. on Friday), because one, I hate the Black Eyed Peas, and two, I really hate the Black Eyed Peas, and three, I really, really hate the Black Eyed Peas. The song I'm evaluating here is their awful "Boom Boom Pow," currently the number one song in the country. Just about everyone with a pulse and under 65 has at least a minor idea who the Peas are--they're that really shitty rap group that will be condemned to the fiery pits of the dankest, darkest hell for foisting hit jams like "My Humps," "Where is the Love" and "Let's Get Retarded" onto the unsuspecting public. My problems with the Black Eyed Peas are too robust to list in a paragraph so here's a handy list:

1. Back before Fergie joined the group, they were the worst hip-hop navel gazers in a genre full of them: Seriously, the Peas used to hold down the position as the worst of the worst when it came to self-obsessed, "political" and "meaningful" when they used to be a three rapper group. They made Joe Budden look like Talib Kweli (look it up).

2. Their breakthrough single was incredibly dumb: The Peas broke through circa 2002 with "Where is the Love" a song that gave idiots a reason to believe war, famine, economic disparity, discrimination, racism, homophobia, hemorrhoids, dysentery, gang violence, terrorism, hangnails, atomic destruction, slave labor, the cancellation of Cheetos brand Asteroids, robbery, murder, xenophobia, lack of opportunity in ghettos and Indian reservations, drought, the lack of Lost on Netflix instant, the War on Drugs, and the fact that Florida has TWO NHL teams while Wisconsin has none, could be solved by having a little "love" in the world. It became gauche to claim that the song "affected" you in ways that made you think about the world, but really it was like a third grader wishing the world better with love, but instead of someone saying, "Oh yeah, Johnny, that would be nice wouldn't it? But the world has complex issues, and understanding our predicament is more important than spouting broad platitudes no one can live up to" someone told them, "You know what? That would make a really great pop song." And whoever told them that should be fired. Twice.

3. Fergie I don't like her, plain and simple. She can't sing. Her lyrics sound like they were written by a ten-year-old, and I just don't like her.

4. Their music The Black Eyed Peas would be a perfect addition to the Stuff White People Like blog, because their new version of "hip-hop" is so white America ready, it's almost a minstrel show. They're perfect because their unassuming and stupid songs allow mostly racist white folks to say, "I know a lot about black people. I listen to the Black Eyed Peas for Christ sakes." And I know what I'm talking about here, because during a drunken argument at a house party once, I asked a kid who was from Minneapolis what it was like to live in the area he referred to as "the ghetto" and when he got defensive, I claimed he didn't even know what it was like for the black people in his OWN CITY. He got pissed and said he listened to rap, specifically the Black Eyed Peas, so there, boom boom pow. Lame.

So there, here we go. Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow" via YouTube:

Listen One: OK, so... So... um... this is about as bad as I had imagined. My roomie said he heard it on the radio and it was awful, but he likes Lou Bega, so I didn't take him too seriously. But yeah, this is bad. It's like there's four different choruses happening, and the four people in the group just take turns saying their part. It reminds me of a version of "Row Row Row Your Boat" without a sense of drama. And Fergie is seriously the worst. Remember that time she peed her pants onstage? Awesome.

Listen Two: Why is it that every rap song now has to have the use of an Auto-Tuner? I mean, yeah, it's sort of cool, you can sound exactly like C3-PO if he was high on shrooms and singing pop tunes. But it just makes you seem like your lyrics are crap, and the only way you know how to dress them up is to make them sound futuristic. I have a feeling that in ten years we're all going to look back at this (and every song ever recorded with an Auto-Tuner) and laugh like we laugh at Peter Frampton for using a talk box. That guy wasn't even allowed to have a career after we grew tired of that. T-Pain is seriously screwed (look it up).

Listen Three: Y'all see the series premiere of Parks & Recreation? It was better than I thought. Aziz Ansari is golden. But we're not here to talk about TV shows, we're here to talk about this awful Black Eyed Peas song. I'm not sure what the phrase "Boom Boom Pow" is supposed to indicate (despite using it as a failed joke above)--part me suspects it's representative of how awesome the Black Eyed Peas are, but I think it would work better as sexual metaphor. Not quite "Burnin Up" or "Sex on Fire," but it's solid (i.e. that woman makes we want to boom boom pow her). Also, it would work as a boxing commentator's exaltation. Tyson hits Spinx, boom boom pow. Also, I hate this song.

Listen Four: I kind of hoped this song would allow me to wax about how the Black Eyed Peas celebrate stupidity, since their past singles included "Let's Get Retarded" and basically every other song by them. They don't want their listeners to be smart, ask their listeners to sacrifice anything in terms of accessibility, or ask for anything from the listener except the 99 cents it takes to buy this song for fear of missing out. But this song makes my point for me. Seriously, this is probably the dumbest song I've reviewed for this feature, and I once listened to Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" five times in a row, and wasn't as put off as this.

Listen Five: For now, there's no video for the song, but there were a lot of stories this week about how the clip would be all futuristic and shit, and the band is going to institute some robot theme that is going to fuel their new album (out later this year). That's pretty cool, except for the fact that Kraftwerk made that idea obsolete more than 30 years ago. Hey wait, what is a Kraftwerk reference doing here? Get out of here. Seriously, no Kraftwerk. This is a Black Eyed Peas post, and even though the writer is having crazy problems trying to think of a new thing to harp on re: this song, and is using this moderately bizarre in-paragraph arguing technique with himself as a way to stretch this post longer than it needs to be, no Kraftwerk. Fine.

Next Week: Probably the latest Lady Gaga single, or whatever I feel like ruining my day with.

Adventures in Pop Radio 16: Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" AKA How I Went from Loving Kings of Leon to Selling Off My CDs

2009-04-08T23:12:00.007-05:00

Background: Sorry to this blog's loyal readers (aka Mom, Dad, Aunt Kathy, person wandering here expecting discussion of location of stolen bike), but it's been a while since your humble writer traipsed over to this spot to espouse a cuss-filled diatribe re: Lady Gaga's lack of good taste, Miley Cyrus' lack of talent, and T.I.'s flow. The reason for the absence is three fold--two weeks I had someone visiting, the other week I visited someone, and another week a bout of laziness visited. Quite understandable, really. I'm going to make it up to you though--this week I'll do two Adventures in Pop Radio entries, starting with the number one song on the Rock Charts, Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody." I opted to roll with a song from the rock charts because one, I haven't gone off the pop charts in this feature yet, two, because I don't want to have to do the damn Black Eyed Peas single yet (that'll be later this week), and three, because it allows me to rant about the Kings of Leon, a band I used to count as one of my favorites until their new record, Only By the Night, came out and was so atrocious, I never bought it--I tossed out a burned version after two spins.

First, I suppose I should share my Kings of Leon background-- I discovered the band in the fleeting days of my high school career via their debut album, Youth and Young Manhood. It got an effusive review in Rolling Stone, and since they were listed as a "southern" Strokes, I picked up the album off that. I quickly racked up plays of "Trani" and "Molly's Chambers," and while I found most of the album to be expendable, I became a fast fan of the band. I was also a similar fan of their sophomore album, Aha Shake Heartbreak, which was the album that started catching the band some hype. It was the first album I was able to become friends with someone over, as my friends (and bandmates) Graham and Austin and I geeked out over tracks like "The Bucket" and "Razz" while working our shifts at Rocky Rococo's. Then we geeked out over their third album, Because of the Times, which found the band trying to be U2, but failing brilliantly, delivering some acerbic tracks like "Charmer" and the pristine "Black Thumbnail." Because was the first album I ever pored YouTube over looking for upcoming tracks being performed live. Basically, as far as I was concerned, this band was the shit, and I was eating them up. They had a lot to do with me venturing down the indie rock canon (thanks to poring over Pitchfork for reviews) and writing the Because of the Times review for my college newspaper was the first time I ever realized I could maybe turn my love of music into a job.

But as the title up there indicates, I don't really like Kings of Leon much anymore (I do like the first three albums, but have virtually no desire to listen to them in the foreseeable future). And it was a bit misleading to say my dislike of the band started with Only By the Night, rather, it was the last straw. I've seen Kings of Leon perform three times, starting with a concert in between their second and third album that had roughly 200 people at it at Summerfest. It was an intimate show in an unintimate venue, and it was one of the best concerts of my life. Then I saw them shortly after their third album came out at the Rave in Milwaukee, and the place was packed to the fucking roof. It didn't help that most of the people there were sweating and punching everyone in sight, and it really turned me off that a band I liked so intimately was now becoming popular, but also that the band opted to come on to the opening of Stravinsky's "Rites of Spring" like they were some conquering barbarian hoard. It just made them seem like pompous assholes. Then I saw them at Lollapalooza in 2007, and after the show, I pretty much stopped listening to them for a year, until Only By the Night came out, because, one, they came out to Stravinsky again, and two, they had a shit load of fans there.

Now, it seems like I'm ranting about "wha wha wha, I band me and my two friends like has more fans than just us three now, we hate them," and to an extent that's what I'm doing. But I'm not concerned with the effect that having all those fans hurt my relationship with Kings of Leon, it's that all those fans hurt Kings of Leon's relationship with their music. Instead of creating tight, off-kilter, punchy garage rock tunes, Only By the Night finds them trying to be U2 and succeeding, lobbing off all their edges, leaving their old swagger in a self-important heap of shit. It's like Kings of Leon decided that since they have a lot of fans, they are Important, so then they must make Important music, not music that three pizza making music geeks could talk about in the back of kitchens. Their music sounds bigger, more important, and more serious, but it also sounds way worse.

So that brings us to the number one rock song in the country, "Use Somebody," the second single from Only By the Night. Since I'm intimately aware of the band, this is breaking the rules. But I make them up. So deal with it.

Kings of Leon - Use Somebody

Listen One: One other thing to get off my chest: "Use Somebody" is the only song on Only By the Night that I experienced something vaguely resembling "like" for, since its soaring chorus, reverbed guitars, and syncopated drums at least sort of resemble the band's past work. That said, this exposes everything wrong with lead singer Caleb Followill's voice--it's a shouty, off-key bark, and it's better employed when he's shouting about some girl doing him wrong than trying to get some girl to let him into her life. This song reminds me of a Jarry Falwell segment--the preacher gets louder and louder about needing something in his life, and then says he found it in God. Except Kings of Leon just have a guitar solo, so I guess the metaphor doesn't work.

Listen Two: Can we retire the "we're a band, we're like cool, but we also like have it hard to the bone, like we have to sit on couches and shit and look stoned, like our life is like so hard, but we do it for you our fans, because like, you're awesome" videos? What does this clip reveal to us about Kings of Leon beside the fact that they are indeed a band, and that they like looking cool slouching? Absolutely nothing.

Listen Three: You know, in a way, I'm happy these guys got famous. They seem like okay bros--during the first concert I saw them, they must have thanked the crowd about 57680 times--and rock music doesn't exactly have top billing these days. I'd much rather have TV on the Radio breakthrough at this point, but hey, whatevz.

Listen Four: I wonder how many takes it takes to nail that "whoa whoa whoa" part. Once? Twice? Three times a lady? Who knows? Also, this song isn't all that bad, I suppose. It could have been the band's last single, "Sex on Fire" which is supposedly a metaphor for a girl being great in the sack, but it makes me think of a penis with its tip on fire. I bet that would hurt. Like bad. And burn probably. And bad.

Listen Five: So, yeah, I'm totally over this band now I think. I used to love them, now I traded all my CDs by them in to buy Arrested Development DVDs, which in many, many ways is a sounder investment. But I still have their first three albums on vinyl, so maybe I'll come back to them in 15 years when I want to remember being 19 and being enraptured by a band that got big and broke my heart.

Up Next: The stupid ass Black Eyed Peas single, which is number one in the country. I seriously hate that band, so those wishing for more profanity and metaphors related to weiners being on fire might want to tune in.

Adventures in Pop Radio 15: Miley Cyrus "The Climb"

2009-03-12T15:18:00.004-05:00

Background: Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" is the number six song in the country, and is allegedly from the upcoming Hannah Montana soundtrack. Unfortunately, this isn't my first exposure to the annoying vocal affectations of Ms. Cyrus--Just this week I wrote a rather droll piece for Prefix about Cyrus' new autobiography, and my cousin, one Molly Winistorfer, considers Cyrus' program to be the bee's knees* and found/finds great delight at forcing me to watch the show. I found it to be disappointing, considering it has one of the highest concepts for a kids' show (Cyrus plays "Miley Cyrus" who in real life is a regular kid but is also a mysterious pop singer named Hannah Montana)--it seemed like while there could be some bonkers storylines (like Miley and her friends wanting to see Hannah Montana, but most of the stories revolve around her home issues like wanting to see an R rated movie. It's pretty boring, really.

Listen One: So aside from the theme song to the show, I think this is the first time I've ever listened to a Miley Cyrus song. And to say I'm unimpressed would be an understatement--I am actually listening to a Clipse song as I write this out because I couldn't stomach listening to the song five times stacked on top of each other like I normally do. Her voice is basically like a husky 12 year old's--loud enough sure, but lacking any emotional depth or believable sincerity. Unlike Taylor Swift, arguably the only other popular female singer in Cyrus' age bracket, it's clear that Cyrus doesn't write anything she sings, because at least Swift, who whines too much out of her nose when singing, sounds like she means what she sings. Cyrus sounds like the repository for Disney's broad platitudes she's been since the jump.

Listen Two: So, apparently the plot of this video is that Miley can't get a ride in the desert, and the road she walks on has fields with cute boys and horses in the middle of it, and then it starts raining, and oh, the Grand Canyon. I know I'm not exactly in the target market for this, but the visual doesn't really get me more into the song. It just makes me wonder how long I could stretch the money that makes up this video's budget:

I'm guessing it cost about $400,000 to produce, and given my current economic circumstances, I wager to say I could stretch that money--without investments--for at least 20 years. Instead it's being used to convince little girls that Miley Cyrus is "important" and has a new "movie" coming out soon. What a waste of money.

Listen Three: You know what trend I will never understand? The phenomena that finds country singers walking around with acoustic guitars on their backs, which I guess is supposed to represent that country singers are more authentic, down to earth, and "real" than those thug rappers and the tight-jeaned rockers (which I typically prefer). But all it really does is make them look like a cross between Richie Sambora (who is way cooler than any country singer, ever, and I'm talking on a strictly non-ironic level) and a college freshman who wants to let all the women around that he is "sensitive" and can "play" guitar, which typically means they can play Dave Matthews Band and are total assholes.

Plus the guitar doesn't make me think Cyrus is "authentic"--it only highlights how inauthentic she is since I know she can't play a fucking lick, and will never have to. Instead she'll be able to skate by on Disney's largesse until she's about 21 and then her and the Jonas Brothers will be flushed down the toilet.

Listen Four: Speaking of the Jonas Brothers, South Park had an incredible episode on last night that attacked Disney's using of the band in a way that I hadn't considered. The general conceit of the episode was that Mickey Mouse, who is the CEO of Disney, is making money of the Jonas Brothers by having the group sell sex to a demographic that sex should absolutely, not never, be sold to--girls under ten. But that would be pervy if the Jonas Brothers were doing that explicitly, so Disney has them wear purity rings so the moms of these eight year olds won't feel their kids' innocence is being taken, because even if the Jonas Brothers started dating her, they wouldn't have sex with her until they were married. All this is really doing is getting this girls ready for the mass media's mass barrage of sexual imagery at an earlier and earlier age. It's a really great episode, and really shows off how much of a conscience the show has grown since it launched. Watch it here.

What does that have to do with Miley Cyrus? Well, it's way more entertaining and thought provoking that this song and video.

Listen Five: I'd like to apologize for exposing you to this douche that introduces the video and closes it out. He totally stole my joke about Cyrus not having shit to write about. Except where I question the validity of reading a book by a 16 year old about "bullying" this tool says it is probably good. I realize he's being paid to do so, but I wonder how long he spends in the shower every night washing the shame off himself.

So, I have to say, this song is pretty absurdly boring. Yeah, yeah, you want to move mountains, you'll be doing it forever, we fucking get it, all right? Please disappear.

Next Week: Maybe, finally, Kanye West's "Heartless."

*- It is not, but I liked a bunch of questionable shit when I was 8 too.

Adventures in Pop Radio 14: "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" by Soulja Boy

2009-03-05T16:15:00.004-06:00

Background: Soulja Boy's "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" is currently the number six song in the country. This isn't my first exposure to the cult of Soulja Boy--back in my halcyon days as an A&E editor, we got his debut album in for review. Since I generally took everything that came in, I gave it a spin, and found it rather laughable. Most of the lyrics seemed to be ripped from a 10 year old's notebook, and I wagered with the writer that I assigned it to that I could record a hotter debut than him. This seems facetious, but it's true--after one spin, I wasn't convinced that Soulja Boy was better than me as a rapper, none the less qualified to be on a major label. Then his "Crank That" became a hit (and a ubiquitous fixture at the college bars I frequented, as both a song people loved, and a song people played ironically), and the song became one of my many go-to tracks for annoying my co-workers.*

Now, Soulja Boy is back up the charts with his latest single, "Which Me Thru the Phone" which as its Proustian title would indicate, is about Soulja Boy getting his girl to "kiss" him "thru" his "phone." I didn't mean that to come off like I was questioning the motives of the song--it literally is about someone kissing Soulja Boy through a phone.

Listen One: I imagine that this song is a huge hit in high schools/middle schools right now. I'm willing to bet any money that my cousin, Colin F. Winistorfer, ESQ. has this as his ringtone (that is not meant as a slight, he probably thinks he can pull girls using it) right now. It features the kind of empty loving platitudes that high school girls think means love, when really this song has been focused grouped to appeal to them. It's not really bad, in a "this burns my aural cavities" sence, but it still is pretty sugary and substance-less.

Listen Two: So, until now I thought Sammie (the person credited with the hook) was a girl, but apparently he/she is a guy. Maybe a herm. Or a Shim. But seriously, really high voice coupled with images of girls singing the hook--I am confused as fuck Re: Sammie. But I get a sense that no one cares anyways, because the girls that like this are imagining kissing Soulja Boy not Sammie.

Listen Three: A lot of stuff happened last summer where Ice-T was saying Soulja Boy was the death of what Ice considers "real" hip-hop. Sure, I don't think Soulja Boy is an impressive rapper in the least (he and Flo Rida are in a two-man race for the absolute worst), but I don't think it's his fault hip-hop has become overly commercial and predicated on selling ringtones. When hip-hop became the only viable musical genre in the mid-00s (aka the only genre still moving units), the record companies decided to sell rap as a commodity like ringtones, pancakes, and toilet paper. The record industry is really to blame. I hate** to use Star Wars as a metaphor, but here it goes:

Death Star: Ringtone Sales
Emperor Palpatine: Record Companies
Darth Vader: Interscope Records head Jimmy Iovine (who has signed about a million rappers)
Stormtroopers: Rappers like Flo Rida and Soulja Boy

Also, I really am sick of this song already.

Listen Four: Honestly, I didn't listen to this one during this slot. Instead, I am listening to an AV Club podcast about Watchmen, which I am going to see tonight. Hope it doesn't suck!

Listen Five: Listen--this song is like an okay, but sorta bad, pancake (I know I used this already)--it has everything that you'd associate with this branch of hip-hop, and a sugary chorus that merely exists, but it feels like it could taste better or it is missing syrup. I realize that metaphor is weak, but this is a song that I can't really get mad or sad about. I have better stuff to do than waste my time on this song (like seeing Watchmen..hope it doesn't suck!), and I feel a deep sadness for anyone that thinks that this is what represents all that is good in music.

Next Week: Maybe Kanye West's "Heartless," maybe not.

*- As a sidebar--In "Crank That" Soulja Boy repeatedly orders to "Superman that ho," which everyone at the paper took to mean satisfy a female sexually. Then one day when I was singing the song as a joke, our jovial sports editor turned to me and said, "You know what 'Superman that ho'" means right?"

And I'm like, yeah, have sex, duh.

"No, it means you finish on the girl's back, and then you slap a sheet on her so it sticks like a cape. My roommate told me that."

That's repulsive, I said. I have a feeling my jovial sports editor had heard the expression from personal experience (he was sort of a freak), but either way, I can't believe so specific and disgusting made it's way to our nation's broadcasting waves. That is all.

**- Love

I Totally Have a Twitter Account Now, and It Is Stupid

2009-03-03T17:28:00.004-06:00

So, I've finally decided to give into the Twitter fad, and signed myself over to self-absorption by being able to constantly update everything I'm doing. I believe that eventually I will give up on it (I'm guessing a week...if that), but by the slim chance you're interested in what I'm doing (depending on the time of day, either "watching seaQuest," or "watching seaQuest"), and I'm still posting if you traipse on down to this post. Here's a link for your mind.

U2's Death Problem

2009-02-27T12:01:00.002-06:00

Aside from that song up there being total, unequivocal butt, I have never really "liked" U2. Sure, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and "The Sweetest Thing" are pretty great songs, but I've never liked an entire U2 album, or even had the urge to really (I reviewed the re-release of The Joshua Tree, and that's the only time I made it all the way through an U2 album). I've struggled to explain my disdain (or really, lack of interest) in U2 pretty much since high school, when I started establishing my critical voice (sophomore year highlight: "Hey man. Nice Three Doors Down t-shirt. You suck."), and have continued to have the same problem since I started writing record reviews.

But on the eve of yet another U2 album release (No Line on the Horizon, due out on March 3), I think I may have finally pinned down what my problem with U2 is. It's Bono.

Now you're thinking, "Oh no, here comes a diatribe against Bono for being a humanitarian more than a singer these days. I'm going to watch Celebrity Fit Club." But you're wrong (and Celebrity Fit Club isn't on anymore)--if anything, Bono's humanitarian efforts make him more appealing to me, given my own leftist, pro-African liberation political tendencies. My problem with Bono is that he isn't dead.

I'm not saying Bono should be dead, which is what it seems like up there. For years, Bono has carried himself as a capital I Important singer with messianic imagery in the vein of Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and his hero, Joy Division frontman Ian Curtis. But in actuality, Bono is a perhaps an important singer, but not an Important singer, because he comes off as a messianic frontman who lacks the commitment to death i.e. cementing his image as it was.

I don't want Bono to kill himself--no, that'd be offensive and stupid. I'm saying that the ship has sailed on the opportunity for him to be Important like Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, or those other people I mentioned. Instead, he's destined to be the next version of Mick Jagger--revered for his impact on rock music, but held in way less esteem than people who died young, because he's been around to make late-period albums that gargle yeti testicles. John Lennon made some bad solo records, but at least he's not responsible for that ditty on the top of this post. Ian Curtis might have killed himself selfishly without considering the impact on his wife and kid, but he never appeared in an iPod ad yelling "1, 2, 3, 14!" in Spanish. Bono's Importance as a rock star became importance as soon as he hit 40 and was still cutting records.

I realize this might be coming off a bit crazily, but my problem with taking U2 as "great" is weighted down by the fact that they've been declared one of the best bands since I was born, which means I have to accept their canonization as fact before I can enjoy their albums. And I'm not willing to buy it because Bono holds himself (enabled by the music press) in the same esteem as the greatest rock lead singers when he's really on the second tier along with Jagger. He'll still move brisk business, receive 5 star reviews in Rolling Stone, and be able to cavort with Presidents. And he's probably led a more fulfilling life than Lennon or Curtis or Hendrix did, but his musical message will be forever lessened due to his latter albums.

U2 fans tell me that the band's run in the 80s was classic, and I should start there if I want to listen to U2, since those albums are all classic. Problem is, I have to ignore everything from the last 20 years. And that's impossible, since those records are awful. It reminds me of a t-shirt I saw once that said "Weezer Fan (first two albums)"--as in, it's possible to enjoy a band if you ignore most of their recorded output. That might be possible for Weezer fans, but U2 demands you hold them in high regard. And I haven't been able to do that.

Does that make sense? I hope so.

Adventures in Pop Radio 13: "Gives You Hell" by the All-American Rejects

2009-02-26T19:40:00.004-06:00

Background: All-American Rejects' "Gives You Hell" is the number five song in the country, representing the only thing that could vaguely be defined as "rock" on the top ten. This isn't my first exposure to the band, since my sister has been moderately obsessed with them since the band first hit the scene earlier this decade. Despite the fact that these guys are classified as "rock" when they're clearly a boy band with guitars is one tic that I find annoying (keep reading for more), but overall my general feeling towards this band is general apathy. They're like the paintings that hang in doctor's offices--they're there, they exist, but I never think of them when a doctor's hands aren't nearing my urethra (the last of one scheduled doctor molestation joke).

Listen One: So, overall this song is decently catchy, and I like that the first chorus is low on shouting, and then each successive chorus gets bigger and dumber. The guitars aren't too bad, I suppose, and generally speaking, this is better than most of the songs I've considered here. It's still bubblegum trash, but it's the kind of song I might not turn off of when I hear it on the radio. Although, I'd assume that this has achieved a dubious level of ubiquity on radio, so I'm sure that'd change if I heard it a bunch over a week or so.

Listen Two: You know what bothers me about this band? It's that they appropriated geekiness as an aesthetic pose. I've breached that topic re:Zach Braff in the past, but these guys take it to a different level--they constantly claim that they were geeks and shunned in high school and decided to do music. That might be true for the utterly fugly drummer and bassist, but the guitar player is innoucously unattractive (he probably does well Re: groupie love). But the singer looks exactly like a Calvin Klein model, yet he talks about being made fun of in high school. Yeah, maybe he wasn't popular, but the guy has the kind of looks that would get him laid in college if he strapped an acoustic guitar on an started singing Jack Johnson. If he really wasn't liked in high school, it's largely more likely he was a "dick" more than a "reject," since attractiveness is how kids are ranked in their peer group from age 14-18 (at least).

It's an insult to everyone who got called "fag" in high school for wearing Max Rebo Band t-shirts, and quouting Lord of the Rings that these mostly good looking guys call themselves "rejects." If this guy is what qualifies as a "geek" or a "reject" I must be the fucking Elephant Man.

Listen Three: Finally, a music video I can make fun of. Again, I reject the narrative arc that this guy is getting left by women, but given that the man he loses his chick to is himself, it is indicative of a heavy non-geek narcissism. I'm not sure what the band is trying to say here regarding non-sexual interpersonal relationships via the opposite sex, but apparently sleeping in different beds from your lady is something that leads her to shacking up with your sleazy counterpart. And that sucks. Apparently. And it leads to house parties where a band plays. Apparently. And it's boring. Mostly.

Listen Four: What's with the vocals here? I mean, the guy can sort of sing, but he does way too much atonal whining. He sounds exactly like the girls on American Idol who are instructed to "belt out" songs and then think that means adding syllables of whining to words like "gives" and "hell." It's pretty annoying.

Listen Five: The more I listen to this song, the more inconsequential it becomes to me. It's like grass. I notice it if I pay attention, but otherwise it just lies there doing shit (or getting shit on, as it were). I guess my major beef with these guys is their name, but beyond that, I really couldn't care less. If this is what passes for meaningful and great pop rock these days, I wish I had spent my formative years listening to R&B instead, so I could complain about T-Pain ruining quality R&B with his songs about strippers. But instead, I'm left lamenting the fact that the All-American Rejects are what 14-year-old rockists are listening to today.

Next Week: Maybe Justin Timberlake and T.I.'s "Dead and Gone," but I might have to go to the rock charts to find new songs, since a lot of the Top Ten this week has already been considered here.

Adventures in Pop Radio 12: "Right Round" by Flo Rida

2009-02-20T12:06:00.003-06:00

As an effete music critic, I don’t allow myself to venture into the cultural cesspool that is pop radio. With this feature, I aim to change that. Each Wednesday, I will purposefully listen (or watch it’s video) to a “hot” song I haven’t heard five times, and write my reactions.

Background: Flo Rida's "Right Round" is the number one song in the country, after straight out crushing Eminem's record for most digital song sales in the first week out by moving over 630,000 copies this last week. Flo Rida's last big single, "Low," would have been a good addition to this feature, since it was a song I had to listen to an editor at my college newspaper bitch endlessly about, but I never actually heard. The only way I could get him to stop was to let him take a crack at reviewing the album, which he, predictably, loathed. So technically speaking, "Right Round" is my first exposure to the charms of Flo Rida (who I imagine is holding out on marriage until he find Miss Issippi*). There's no video to be had (plus Flo Rida's record company is busy yanking all of the fan-made videos off YouTube), so go here to hear what I'm talking about.

Listen One: So I think it's pretty obvious that Mr. Rida lifted the chorus of "Right Round" from Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)," but is obviously tactless and changed the song to be something about getting blowjobs. It's not exactly Proust. I really wish he had kept part of the beat from DoA's original intact, because this beat sounds like it was made on one of those effects keyboards everyone gets when they're 10. Overall impression: Extraordinarily underwhelmed.

Listen Two: Are songs about oral sex really this popular? Because I'd like to say "Blow Me" to anyone who thinks this is anything other than a heaping shit pile. I'm betting that, if given the time and resources, I could at least be as good a rapper as this bozo. His first song was about a ladie's ass, and his new song is about a lady making him crazy when she buffs his pickle. This song is horrible.

Listen Three: So, I saw Milk yesterday, and I have to say I was underwhelmed. I mean, I get that he was important for the gay movement, and he was something of a martyr, but the movie about him was a bit too long and bit too trite for me. I think I'm going to see Rachel Getting Married today. Hopefully that will be better. Overall Impression: None. This song is soooo boring, and soooo terrible. Bring back the humpty dance.

Listen Four: Things I'd rather do than listen to this trash one more time: Anything.

Listen Five: You know, it's songs like this that make me avoid pop music. I can't even imagine myself going, "Well, hot diggity damn. This Flo Rida song is the illest shit I have ever heard in my life. I need to buy this. You know what, when I go to a bar the next time, I am going to show everyone how jigga I am by pumping a few bucks in the jukey and playing this song. People will love it, and they will love by fake diamond earrings and my popped collar polo. It will be the amazing. I am so killer. Flo Rida is the coolest. I am cooler for listening to this. It show off my ability to recognize female pleasure in oral sex, and it gives me an easy in with women to ask if they'd like to make my head go round while they go down. I am going to try that out right now. This song rules."

It's just so characterless, so boring, so lame, so misogynistic, so dumb, so annoying. Flo Rida you've done it again my friend--you made a song that hit the charts that has no display of talent, no display of ingenuity, no display of anything resembling character. Bravo, my friend. Bravo.

Next Week: Probably something as equally shitty as this.

*- Har har har.

Adventures in Pop Radio 11: "Crack a Bottle" by Eminem ft. Dr. Dre and 50 Cent

2009-02-12T15:16:00.006-06:00

Background: This post is technically about Eminem's "Crack a Bottle" ft. Dr. Dre and 50 Cent, but it's also vaguely about my relationship with hip-hop.

As that italicized paragraph up there insinuates, I'm typically into music made by artsy bozos from Brooklyn, San Francisco or where ever else artsy bozos congregate (probably here). But hip-hop has been the dominant commercial musical juggernaut during my lifetime, so I've , out of environment, been a casual observer of hip-hop essentially since the 1990s.

Granted, I've only just bought my fifth hip-hop album* (Nas' Illmatic, which I got for like $4 at Circuit City), but I consider A Tribe Called Quest's jazzy Midnight Marauders (here's my favorite track) as one of my Top 10 favorite albums of all time, and I have listened to Clipse's spartan "Grindin'" more than any person should.

I consider hip-hop lyricists like Q-Tip, Malice, Pusha, Nas, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, Black Thought, Jay-Z (to an extent), Biggie, Tupac, and others as the only real, authentic story tellers left in music. Rolling Stone gets their Depends all twisted every time Bruce Springsteen and John Mellencamp release an album about some poor farmer or getting blown by a ice cream parlor, claiming they're writing to the unwashed mass audience. But hip-hop lyricists are actually singing about experiences that they actually lived (unlike the Boss singing about boning a chick from the deli), directly to people who are living that experience.

When Pusha T raps about moving drugs and making sure you wear a white t-shirt so the white cops can't identify with you, people in the ghetto can relate to that experience. John Mellencamp might write nice ditties that people in the Midwest might like, but he's never, ever written a song that specifically names how to cut down corn, hustle for cash at the mill, or work in a factory. Rock music deals in broad generalizations, hip-hop deals in hyper-specific realism.

That being said, the one rapper I'm supposed to explicitly relate to, given our relatively similar upbringings, locales, and experiences is Eminem, and for some reason, I never have connected with Eminem on a "he's really singing for me" level. That doesn't mean Eminem's music doesn't have that power, it's just that he more emboldened angry white kids post-Kurt Cobain to express themselves, and I don't really have it in me to be that pissed off all the time. But on a pure pop level, I've been with Eminem since the start (quite literally, I watched the premiere of his first video one day in 7th grade when I was sick).

Now, with that that being said, Eminem is the only pop star in my time that is truly an experience. I can remember running home from the bus stop with a friend to try to get home in time to see the video for "The Real Slim Shady" and using random lyrical lines as jokes (specifically "Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records/ Well I do/So fuck him and fuck you too"), listening to "Without Me" as I drove around in my Dodge Spirit the summer I got my license, and the bomb that "Lose Yourself" was on my high school (that song was unavoidable for my entire junior year--it was in cars in the parking lots, on people's CD Walkmans, people sang it as they walked down the hall...it was everywhere). In fact, Eminem is probably the only pop star that was popular across all groups in high school--poor/rich, asian/black, white/wigger, male/female everyone at least acknowledged that Eminem was the biggest musical artist of the day. You may not have liked him, but Eminem was it for at least 5 years during my teenage years.

Eminem has pretty much been persona Non Grata since 2004, when he last released an album. But 2009 has been slated as his comeback year, with "Crack a Bottle" serving as the first single from his upcoming album (no release date has been announced). "Crack a Bottle" sold the most copies of a digital song in its first week ever this week, moving over 170,000 units, brought on mostly by the fact that the song has been leaking in various forms for the last month. It's weird, in hip-hop, if stuff leaks, it's better for overall sales (look no further than Tha Carter III).

Listen One: Well, Em's back all right, dropping more gross non sequiters ("lick formunda cheese from under my nuts") and saying things no sane person would on wax. (Seriously, if you're at work, you should probably avoid playing this out loud.) I kind of cringed when he mentions having 400 murders and 17 rapes on his record, and even if it is a metaphor for the fact that everyone says he's evil, it's pretty lame.

The beat is pretty solid--some hazy, epic, Dr. Dre stuff here. I'm not sure what to make of Em's weird stuttering, he sounds like he needs something to drink, and has some Kleenex in his mouth. Overall, I'd say this is better than a lot of rap (specifially Plies, Soulja Boy, Rick Ross, Ludacris), but weak for an Eminem song. It doesn't have the ecstatic craziness that most of his singles do.

Listen Two: This song is also of note because it marks the first time Dr. Dre has appeared on a song since the late 90s. For a brief time, Dr. Dre's 1999 album The Chronic 2000 seemed like it could have been a phenomenon, but then it kind of disappeared along with Dre, who has been working on his new album Detox for nearly 10 years. Not nearly as long as the wait between Q-Tip's Violator and 2008's The Renaissance, but it's closing fast.

Dre's verse on the song illustrates what the guy has been mostly doing lately--bulking up. He appeared last year at the source awards looking like the Incredible Hulk, and his voice, which used to be a low-ish taunting sneer, sounds like a bulky, Bouncer-esque croon. His lyrical skills have always been inferior to his production work, so it's not really surprising that he's pretty weak lyrically here.

Listen Three: 50 Cent does some weird maudlin singing in the song's third verse, and I have to say, I find it abjectly boring. 50 Cent, in 2003, was poised to take Eminem's throne, thanks to his "In Da Club," which was undoubtedly one of the biggest songs of 2002/2003. It was interesting that Eminem would help a guy become as popular as him (as 50 was, for a brief time), but unfortunately for 50, everyone decided that "In Da Club" would be his only undeniably huge song. We decided one was enough.

50 is the nadir of a branch of hip-hop that praises back story over lyrical skills. Yes, 50 was shot nine times, was born to a drug dealer mom, and looks like he's on juice. But what made the early rappers who rapped about drug dealing (like Nas) interesting isn't the fact that they dealed drugs--it's that they can talk about it intelligently and entertainingly. 50 Cent has never really been "entertaining" it's more like "vaguely interesting." And on "Crack a Bottle" he's the most boring aspect of a song that is roundly boring in nearly every facet.

Listen Four: Typically the songs I write about have already made it to the music video point of the publicity cycle, but since this isn't even attached to an album there's none to be had. So......have you heard about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna? Messed up. What about Obama's stimulus package? Finally passed. Cool right?

Listen Five: So, this song has definitely gotten worse the more I've listened to it. I'm guessing the people who bought so many copies of this are feeling the same way. This is sort of like a free sample, where you're given a mouthful to chew on, and then are supposed to make a larger purchase. But given there's no larger item to purchase, I imagine this is destined to disappear from the charts pretty soon.

Next Week: Maybe that total butt All American Rejects song I promised for this week. That or Kanye's "Heartless." We'll see.

* In case you're curious, the other hip-hop albums I have actually purchased and not just downloaded are: Jay-Z's Unplugged, Clipse's Lord Willin' and Hell Hath No Fury, and the Roots' Game Theory.

Adventures in Pop Radio 10: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson

2009-02-05T11:46:00.003-06:00

Background: To my considerable chagrin, Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You" is still the number one song in the country, making it my forced choice (forced by me, I guess) for this week's Adventures in Pop Radio. Clarkson's song is historic though--it rose almost 200 spots to number one, since it was released to radio one week, then sold on iTunes the next, increasing demand and making it rocket higher than Bush's disapproval ratings.* Plus, it has easily the stupidest cover (above) in the history of stupid covers. Here's the marketing team thinking up the cover:

Marketing Guy One: (Does huge line of blow) I got it! The song's called "My Life Would Suck Without You," so why not put her on the cover with a fucking sucker! That would be fucking amazing.

Marketing Guy Two: (Does regular-sized line of blow) That's fucking awesome man! But make the sucker look like a heart, and have her looking like she's having sex. Dudes love that fucking shit!

Marketing Guy One: We are fucking awesome aren't we?

Marketing Guy Two: Statistically speaking, yes, I venture to say we are fucking awesome.

Marketing Guy One: Awesome.

[Scene]

Listen One: When I started this project, it was to hilariously write about listening to Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl," a song that was supposedly 2008's "Summer Jam" (as picked by 15-year-old girls), and one that I hadn't heard a single lick of. Now I'm back in that boat, since this song, supposedly set up to be one of 2009's biggest hits, is supposedly everywhere, and I haven't heard it at all. And now that I have, I wish I had my three minutes back.

The song (captured above in a hilariously awful fan lyric video since the a-holes who came up with the cover have deemed that the song should not be embed-allowed) basically captures everything wrong with how labels handle female singers today--it's a song about needing a man, it's produced to within an inch of it's existence, Clarkson's voice is tailored as to not sound really bad (which it still ends up sounding here) , and is devoid of anything anyone, anywhere would call personality. It's a shame someone with as decent a sounding voice as Clarkson is relegated to merely another instrument a Swedish super-producer** can use to make sugary, boring, lame, character-less pop with.

Listen Two: I'm sort of at a loss as to what to write here, because I think I pretty much said everything I need to say. This song is so trite, lackadaisical, and infuriating because I can't understand why this would be a hit, or what would possess people to listen to this more than once, none the less buy so many copies of it that it rockets*** to number one. At least all the other "Adventures In Pop Radio" songs had something about them that made them semi-charming--I can't find anything here that would even qualify as a redeeming quality. Maybe that it's 3 and a half minutes and not 4?

Listen Three: [Considering whether or not I used "fuck" and "awesome" too much earlier. Decide that "fuck" is a crutch, but can imagine "fuck" and "awesome" being among 18 words a record company executive normally says, so the use of "fuck" and "awesome" are, in the above section at least, awesomely fucking appropriate. But I also make sure that "fuck" is used in second footnote, just to make it clear that I am "edgy" and like the word "fuck".]

Listen Four: [Secretly check weather report to see if nips will get cold on walk to library later this afternoon. Supposed to be 34, so nips should be okay. Also considering if listening to a song you hate five times that is a type of sadomasochism. Looks up sadomasochism in the dictionary. Doesn't have anything about listening to songs you hate. But it's a well known fact that Merriam and Webster hated music (and Armenians), so maybe I have a point here (no I don't).]

Listen Five: This song is, I think, easily the worst I've reviewed for this feature. It's the kind of mindless song that seems like it was created to anger some people and make other people run out and buy it. [Considers quitting writing this feature. Contemplates soul for a few moments, watches video of kid getting hit in the nuts. Decides feature will be good in the future. Really, really hates Kelly Clarkson.]

Next Week: Probably "Gives You Hell" by the All American Rejects.

*- I recently bought a bunch of jokes off of a homeless man who told me that last one would slay, even though it's roughly seven months old. I think it kind of stinks.

**- It's a well known fact that all super-producers are Swedish since the Swedes are sending their kids to music school to learn pop music to atone for fucking up the meatball (and for being inferior to Finland).

***-See joke with "*". I paid $3 for that joke, and I'm fit to get my money's worth.

This El Guincho Song Is Awesome

2009-02-05T11:14:00.004-06:00

In the last 24 hours I've become moderately obsessed with this El Guincho song, "Bombay." I don't understand any of the lyrics (they're in a Spanish dialect only spoken on the Canary Islands) but I've been humming it while crapping, lying in bed, taking a shower, and eating lunch. It's incredible. So, yeah, that's all I have to say.

Why Bruce Springsteen Will Never Mean Shit To Me

2009-02-03T12:18:00.004-06:00

As the title of this post suggests, when it comes to Bruce Springsteen, I myself am not a fan. This has gained me ire at more than one juncture (especially on the old Guerilla Newspaper blog, where I got two separate 1,000 word plus hate mail messages for suggesting he might be overrated), and since Bruce is everywhere this week (thanks to that tea-bag you see above), I figured now might be a shamefully opportunistic opportunity to explain my dislike of the one they call Boss.

First off, I find it laughable that Bruce is considered one of the last bastions of "true" rock and roll (which today generally means it's by middle-aged white guys who like screwing underage girls, and record a shit album every two years that always gets 5 stars from Rolling Stone i.e. Bruce, Tom Petty, Mick Jagger, Bill Clinton). Bruce was never rock and roll in the sense that real critics meant it--he was a Bob Dylan wannabe who got lucky by having a pretty great bar band who followed him around.

He also isn't even vaguely "authentic"--his mythology was created by his manager Jon Landau, who coincidentally was the guy who wrote "I saw the future of rock and roll and it's name is Bruce Springsteen." Whether or not Landau was lined up to produce Springsteen's breakthrough Born to Run at the time isn't entirely known (the official line is no), but it seems a whole lot like Bruce's initial mythology and positive reviews were by people who had a stake in him making it (add to the list Dave Marsh who is currently part of the Boss' posse, and wrote a few bloviating books about him).

It's not that opportunism that makes me hate the Boss by itself, but it's that there's a certain authenticity around him that seems so manicured, when in actuality, he's no more "authentic" than the Pussycat Dolls, 'Nsync, or fake breasts.

But that's only one of the annoying facets of the Boss I can't stand--it's the insistence by East Coast types (namely Jann Wenner at RS and his cronies, who actually began their run as West Coasters, and then personified 80s greed) that Springsteen speaks to the middle and lower class people who live in the Midwest. As a life-long midwesterner, I have never related to a Bruce Springsteen song. Not never.

Take "Queen of the Supermarket" from his new album for instance--it's about getting a crush on the girl at the supermarket. And while some reviews will try to say that that's Bruce speaking for the middle class (who apparently find romantic partners while buying tuna), it's actually written from the perspective of a guy who used to maybe be middle class, but now lives in the Hamptons, and thinks people in the midwest pick women up at the Supermarket. No, Bruce, we pick them up at bars, just like rich people do. Plus have you ever seen the type of dames that work at our grocery stores? They could easily be queens of the gridiron.

I've just always found Bruce's odes to the working class to be pandering piles of shit. I've related better to songs from wiry english blokes like Joy Division ("Isolation"), rappers from Public Enemy ("Fight the Power"), and pop singers than I ever have for a guy who is supposed to be specifically singing songs to my demographic bloc.

Now, I'm not really a working class resident of the Midwest (you'd need a pay roll job for that), but Bruce doesn't even speak to the "real" working class. They listen to country, pop radio, and talk radio. The Boss' vague "working class anthems" like "Born in the U.S.A." are not the anthems they're hyped to be--instead they're okay songs to hear in between Rascal Flatts and Sugarland songs at the bar. No one ever walks around a Midwest town claiming Bruce Springsteen is speaking to them--they know he's full of shit and lives in a mansion in New Jersey. Believe me, I've seen it happen at more than one bar (including at dives in St. Cloud and Oshkosh).

And here's the rub--the authenticity and working class hero mythology points are all that makes up Springsteen's persona in popular culture. If you take that away, you've got a fairly decent Dylan clone who writes sentimental shit he can't relate to personally for sake of moving records, and is getting by on the largesse of a music press that can't take two minutes off its knees to properly critically evaluate the guy's music. Basically, he's a more popular version of John Mellencamp, who at least did grow up as a poor working class guy, and has hung out behind a Tasty Freeze.

Now, to be clear, in case we get some stumblers who get bent out of shape--It's not that I don't understand why other people like Bruce Springsteen (the mythology, the fond memories of seeing him at Giants stadium as a kid, etc.), it's that I can't myself get into him for the reasons I've listed above. I don't necessarily think Bruce is incredibly terrible--I just think he's been elevated to a stature that he shouldn't be close to. He's probably a great guy, and puts on a semi-entertaining live show, but he's been given a pass on a lot of things he should be called on (namely writing songs about being poor when he lives rather comfortably).

Sorry if this post seems sorta incoherent--I'm just so sick of having to read/hear/see anything about Bruce Springsteen that I had to say something, and it ended up like this.

Adventures in Pop Radio 9: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce Knowles

2009-01-30T12:27:00.004-06:00

BACKGROUND: I chose Beyonce Knowles' "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" (currently the number three song in the country), mainly because I remembered it from an SNL parody that had Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake and some other cast member dancing behind Beyonce in a pretty hilarious sketch that starred Samberg and company as the nephews to the video director for the "Single Ladies" video. That clip has been scrubbed off the Internet (FU NBC, JK, I LUV U), but elements of it are in the clip below that some YouTuber (not a type of potato) has made for the song, since all the other versions of the clip are embed-disabled. (The full song is longer, which I listened to, but for background purposes, this minute and change version is the only one I can provide for you.)

LISTEN ONE: So, this must be a song directed at Beyonce's now-husband Jay-Z right? She talks about leaving her current man to go to a club to find other guys who may want to marry her. "If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it," Beyonce says to an unknown antagonist (roughly 856 times in the full version). So Jay-Z must have liked "it" and decided to put a "ring on it." The song is pretty wacky--the arrythmic percussion really prevents any kind of sing-along chorus, and Beyonce really raps more than she sings here.

LISTEN TWO: So why does Beyonce refer to herself as an "it?" Isn't that objectifying herself? I mean, technically the song could be about putting a ring on her hand, but then the "it" of the song's subject is Beyonce's hand, which, I'm venturing to say, is pretty low on any dude's priorities when talking about what makes her attractive. I suppose "it" created more rhyming opportunities than "marry me," "let's elope," or "get serious about me now, god damn it, or I'm going to hook up with a guy who will." But still, the "it" thing is kind of weird.

LISTEN THREE: The video above doesn't truly do justice to how nuts the original video is (Okay, here's a link). Beyonce wriggles, writhes, jiggles, slaps her hips, and struts around in a leotard that is right sleeve-deficient (and she wears some metal sleeve I can only assume is for slapping her hoes). It's actually technically impressive, especially how Beyonce and all her dancers are able to jiggle in time with each other. The part where they jump off a seemingly white wall is pretty sweet too. It's just that the video reeks of a new performer looking to get notoriety on MTV, not that of one of the best-selling women in pop today. It almost comes off as vaguely desperate.

LISTEN FOUR: I'm really struggling to come up with witty remarks here, probably because this song isn't really awful, it's just more mediocrely competent. It basically plays on every theme Beyonce has used since the jump (dating guys that won't take her seriously, whomshe leaves them for someone who will), but it's wrapped up in a fancy video and a song about getting married at a time when Beyonce was all over the tabloids for getting married. Really, this is what I find most off-putting about most pop music today--there's just nothing here to get really excited about, but also nothing that will piss you off, or make you think about the song when it's over. To paraphrase Stringer Bell from The Wire, it's like a 40 degree day--if it's 60 people will be grilling, but if it's 30 people will be bitching. But if it's 40, no one has anything to say.

LISTEN FIVE: You know, picking this song seemed like a better idea last week, when my roommate (let's call him M. Schoenrock, no, Matt S.) was singing this all day (he's weird). The song seemed like one of those that would have the power to get lodged in your cerebral cortex (like Lady Gaga), but now that I've listened to it 5 times in a row, I'm over it. I never want to have to hear this again. I have no desire to sing it, no desire to buy the record, no desire to make my own fan video like hundreds of people have (oh YouTube memes, how lame are you?). In short, I do not want to put a ring on this song.

Next Week: Probably the new Kelly Clarkson track, but hopefully something else will hit the top of the charts.

Adventures in Pop Radio 8: "Just Dance" By Lady Gaga (Return of the Mack Special Edition)

2009-01-22T15:12:00.003-06:00

That video above isn't of Lady Gaga's "Just Dance," it's of Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack," and since it clearly isn't 1998, I won't be writing that song up here. I just posted that since it'd be my entrance music if I was ever a professional wrestler, and since this Adventures in Pop Radio post is my first in four months (almost to the day), the Mack has returned (and by Mack I mean me, not the Mac from Mac & Me, the greatest alien invasion movie involving chewing gum and wheelchairs of the 1980s).

Background: Today's Adventures in Pop Radio is in regards to Lady Gaga's "Just Dance," (ft. Colby O'Donis) currently the number one song in America. The song has been on the charts for 24 weeks (6 months!) but has only recently been near the top. I chose this song as my return because for the last two months, every time I leave my apartment in my car (which works out to about once every 10 days), I have the incredible knack of catching this song on the radio (the only station I listen to is the hip-hop station from Minneapolis, not the pop station, so technically, this song still qualifies for entry here). But it's not just part of the song, or the beginning, I'm talking the entire thing. I get in my car and a song is finishing up (typically Lil Wayne's "A Milli" or Kanye West's "Love Lockdown"), and the DJ goes, "And now, Lady Gaga," every time without fail. I thought about buying a lottery ticket the next time it happens, and then I realized that I wasn't really lucky, per se, and that I am broke. Here's the song's video:

Listen One: So, until that picture above where Lady Gaga is clearly in search of an appropriate corner to take a shit, I had assumed Lady Gaga was a black woman, given her heavy rotation on a hip-hop station and the fact that she's signed to Akon's record label. But no, apparently she's a little white woman from Yonkers, New York who looks like she was vomited on by a pack of neon markers and a thrift store. Seriously, I think I just had a seizure looking at her outfits.

And what's with Colby O'Donis? He looks exactly like all those stereotypical guidos they show as examples of "douche bags" (or a member of the Gotti family). I also like the Akon cameo--not too flashy, not too overt.

Listen Two: I suppose I should mention the song, which given its name, is pretty danceable. The most enjoyable part of the song is where the music and Gaga's voice start like they're about to break into something incredible (in the middle of the chorus), but they really don't. I also have to say that the part when she licks her finger at the 1:20 mark is really weirding me out. What could she have had on that finger? Poo particles? Cocaine? Pizza sauce? I just know I wouldn't lick my finger like that.

Listen Three: So I think ultimately I don't like this song. It always seems like it's about to launch into something bigger and better, but it stays at its menial level of faux jubilation. Maybe I'm too used to listening to stuff that actually sounds happy to really get into this. Or maybe I'm cynical and hate dancing (valid points, Andrew. Thanks Andrew).

I'm also not really getting what would make this a hit--I mean, sure the chorus would definitely make this a bomb-ass* ringtone, but there's not the usual studio flash and bang of a hip-hop song, or the thrilling vocal performance of a standard fem-pop song. Maybe this is what Katy Perry wrought--girls who look slightly different than the status quo becoming pop stars by remaining different by stealing styles from old lesbians (seriously, Lady Gaga got her looks from an old go-g0 dancer, and Katy Perry took her's from old pin-up girls).

Listen Four: I'm not really sure what the point of this video is supposed to be besides that people should just shut up, drink, and roll around with whales in blow-up pools. And that's all well and good, but can you dance with a whale? I think whales are like the parents from Footloose--they hate dancing, and would like to eat Kevin Bacon**.

Listen Five: Why, oh why, did I ever decide I should listen to this five times? It will take three intense months of therapy to scrub this song from my frontal lobe. Maybe that's how this song is number one and has stayed on the charts for six months--people just hear it five times and surrender to it by buying the ringtone and the song of iTunes over and over again. I will break the cycle, I promise.

Post your suggestions for AiPR in the comments section, but otherwise I'll be doing Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" next week.

*- For the elders in attendance, bomb-ass is taken from the root word "themegabombass" of the Agobe people who use the word to mean "really awesome" or "super awesome."

**- Ha! See what I did there?

Some Thoughts On Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion ("My Girls" Special Edition)

2009-01-19T12:13:00.007-06:00

So, it's been dead city in these parts since September, as I have been focusing my energies elsewhere (namely my NHL 2009 profile, my Halo 3 gravity hammer skills, blogging until my ass is sore at Prefix (not an anal sex joke), and writing a bunch of CD and DVD reviews). But since my cable is no more (goodbye No Reservations marathons), I anticipate I'll be by these parts more often. I think I'll be re-launching Adventures In Pop Radio soon (maybe this week), and I hope to get in some other thoughts here as well.

Like today, when I take this opportunity to write about Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion, an album I've been listening to since it leaked on Christmas Day pretty much non-stop, and one that I plan to pick up tomorrow (Tuesday) when it is finally released. I don't get to write a "proper" review of the album, since that duty went to Nick at Prefix (who gave it a 9.5 in a pretty solid review), and I don't write record reviews for any other publication at the moment (a young buck I sorta trained at the Advance-Titan gave it a 5 out of 5, but he refers to himself in the review way, way too much, something I talked to him about, but hasn't been stressed as much by the newish editors). So I wanted to get some thoughts down on paper (or screen as it were) on the album, since I think it's incredibly likely that it'll end up in my Best Of 2009 list.

Basically, Merriweather Post Pavilion is as close to a perfect album as I've heard since TV on the Radio's 2006 opus Return to Cookie Mountain. The mix of choice elements from house music, drums n' bass, formless noise experimentation, dancehall, and European stylings is pulled off to great effect, and songs like "Daily Routine," "Brother Sport," "Summertime Clothes," and "Guys Eyes," and "No More Runnin" are as perfect as songs can get.

But really, I could have done without all of those great songs (and five other pretty great songs from the album). The only track that matters for me is "My Girls." Here it is in studio form via YouTube:

I have listened to the track above an obscene amount of times in the last month and a half (the song leaked back in early December)--so many in fact that my roommate knows the song by heart, and he is utterly ambivalent to any music of any kind (seriously, he hasn't bought a CD in more than a decade). He's pestered me as to why he's greeted by the glittery sounds of "My Girls" every time he wakes up, takes a shit, makes dinner, or plays videogames, and here's an attempt to put it into words:

I like how the sample starts early, and builds to a near-anthemic quality. I like how the vocals are essentially a round, akin to "Row Row Row Your Boat." I like how Avey Tare's harmony vocals sound shouty and mildly out of tune. I like how Panda Bear's lead vocals are flat and affect-less. I like that the lyrics are about writing a song about wanting to buy a house, but then feeling bad about doing so, since that would advocate consumerism, but still really wanting a house because you want your daughter and your wife to have "four walls and adobe slats," even though I never want a house, and have no mini-me to provide shelter to. I like this performance of the song at Coachella almost better than the original, because Avey Tare is so out of breath and his vocals are too high in the mix:

I like how the bass flits in and out of the song like it's mildly disinterested in the proceedings, even though the bass doesn't have a choice in the matter, and its placement was probably heavily considered by the band when they were recording the song. I like the way the vocals go in and out of the pocket of the sample. Essentially, I really, really like "My Girls." Even this less than awesome rendition at Midi Festival in 2007:

And this kind of better rendition at Hove in 2008:

It's kind of sad/self-defeating to admit, but "My Girls" has rendered me into a hyperbolic slob when it comes to Merriweather Post Pavilion. I can't help it though. Maybe I've been predisposed to liking house-referencing (in both style and lyrical content) songs from art-rock bands from Baltimore who currently reside in Lisbon, New York, and D.C. Maybe it's in my DNA like my predisposition to cancer and heart disease. Or maybe I'm crazy, and this song isn't as good as what I'm thinking, and in three months, I'll listen to it and go "This is a piece of shit, and is incredibly pretentious. I like Nickelback."

I don't know what's good or bad, shitty or dingleberry-free when it comes to this album. And maybe that's what makes it great.

Adventures in Pop Radio 6 and 7: T.I. “Swagga Like Us” and “Whatever You Like”

2008-09-24T17:08:00.002-05:00

Background: OK, so I know that I missed two Adventures in Pop Radio this month, and my loyal readers are upset (hey Dad. How’s it going?). So to atone, I’ve opted to do a double dipper today in order to catch up. I posted my treatise on Pink earlier today, and now I’ve got two tracks from T.I. aka King, aka that rapper who was on house arrest. His songs, “Whatever You Like” and “Swagga Like Us” are currently at number two and number five respectively, and his album The Paper Trail is probably going to be the number one album when it gets released next week (it’ll finally replace those dust-shitters Metallica).

Listen One: “Swagga Like Us” is the most interesting, considering it uses the “no on on the corner’s got swagger like us” exultation from M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” (the number four song in the country) as the song’s hook. This has to be the first time that a song on the top ten uses a sample from another song on the top ten.

Plus, “Swagga Like Us” has guest verses from Kanye (whose lines are typically self-referential), Jay-Z (see Kanye, but add more random product placement), and Lil Wayne, who uses an auto-tuner, and continues his stoned black spaceman from Mars routine. Seriously, the guy is easily the most entertaining/confounding figure in pop music right now. I’ve only heard one song from his new album Tha Carter III that I really love (“Let the Beat Build”), but I still find him completely riveting.

“Whatever You Like” is pretty standard hip-hop fare—it finds T.I. making promises to his boo about getting whatever she likes (whether that be diamonds, cars, or planes). It’s exactly the kind of non-violent, non-confrontational hip-hop song that makes ladies swoon, and Billboard bow down. Bravo, T.I.

Listen Two: As Wayne comes up again on “Swagga Like Us,” I really, really want him to launch into “Lollipop”—“Call me, so I can make it juicy for ya.” T.I.’s raps are better with age, while Kanye’s new-found love of the auto-tuner is even more out of place here than it is on his new joint, “Love Lockdown.”

“Whatever You Like” is not something I’d like to listen to anymore.

Listen Three: The video I posted for “Swagga Like Us” is a fan video, and there seems to be something like 15 of similar videos for the track on YouTube. I’m always confounded when I come across things like this, because it’s weird that people would spend their time making YouTube videos for songs. It’s like they think that if they make the video, the artist will whisk them away to their mansions and give them a million bucks. I can’t understand what the makers are gaining from creating these clips.

The “Whatever You Like” video is more interesting, as it is “official” and it uses the old-as-MTV tactic of dreams as plot device. I swear that this iteration, the one where a person daydreams at their shit job (in this case a fast food joint) about hanging out with the musician was originally used in a ZZ Top video. Interesting fact: the only guy in ZZ top without a beard is named Frank Beard. That’s not so bad though, the other two guys are called Assface Johnson and Billy Gibbons.

Listen Four: Yes, Kanye, Weezy, Jay, and T.I. your swagger is superior to mine. However, you don’t realize you’re competing against me, the average music listener, who is currently writing this in a 1,000 square foot apartment in sweatpants while my roommate plays Halo. Basically, if you worked at McDonalds in Omro, WI, your swagger would dominate mine.

“Whatever You Like”? To never hear this again.

Listen Five: “Swagga Like Us” isn’t really that special when you get down to it—it plays more like a quick collabo between four preeminent MC’s who had shit else to do that day. Sure, it’s better than most four MC collabos these days (looking at you Dipset, G-Unit, and anything related to Busta Rhymes).

“Whatever You Like” is pretty bad: real boring, lame, and sounds like old school Puff Daddy (or P. Diddy, or Diddy, or Puffy, or Jackass, if you’d like, that is the theme of the song after all).

Conclusion: It’s pretty amazing that T.I. can have two songs in the top ten, and both have lasted a few weeks, in an age when most artists have a quick top ten hit and disappear (looking at you Jonas Brothers… I hope your dad doesn’t beat you for not being on the charts anymore). But when you get to it, T.I. isn’t the most exciting rapper—it’s more like he’s able to appeal to a wider base than most of the other rappers from the south (basically, he’s 2003 Ludacris).

Adventures in Pop Radio 5: “So What” by Pink

2008-09-24T10:43:00.002-05:00

Background: Pink’s newest single, “So What,” is the number one song in the country. Inexplicably, she’s been able to stay on the charts longer than the other female pop singers that she was supposed to be “different” from way back in 2000, when she had pink hair, sang like a black chick, and was generally terrible.

(Note: I would love to have the video here, but Pink's label is refusing to allow YouTube to allow people to embed videos on their sites. So to hear what I'm talking about, click here.)

Listen One: “So What” details the standard stuff Pink complains about in every song: how fucked up her life is, a guy doing her wrong (in this case ex-husband Corey Hart), and how her parents were never there for her. If Christina Crawford’s got mommy issues, Pink’s got ‘em worse—she can’t let it go that her parents got divorced 20 years ago. Listen Pink, it sucks your parents got divorced, but bitching about it 20 years is kind of lame and pathetic. You’re like 30 now. You’re old enough to be a parent, that’s when you grow the hell up and accept your childhood wasn’t idyllic.

And back to the subject of her husband—I’m starting to get the feeling that getting married and getting divorced was purposeful inspiration for Pink because that adds another dimension to her incessant whininess. It was easier to go through a messy divorce than it would be to be happy and write love songs. So in that regard, it’s kind of like Pink’s divorce was post-modern.

Listen Two: So the “na na na na, na na” thing sounds like it’s a sample from something, but I can’t put my finger on it. Part of me wants to say Yes (no!) but I’m not sure. It’s too melodic to be a taunt, like “na na na na na, na,” but it sounds taken from something. Maybe Pink’s tone deafness translates to an inability to taunt properly.

Listen Three: So, are the “rock moves” Pink refers to sneering, having a tragic angular haircut (that looks like Edward Scissorhands cut it while high on PCP), and being a bitch? Because that doesn’t make her a “rock star”: that makes her qualified to sell jewelry at JcPenney.

Listen Four: Pink’s got a strange vibe in her videos, because all of them are hyper-literal (as in the video plays out the action in the song). It’s like the people who listen to Pink are too slack-jawed to understand the song’s message (“I hate my ex-husband, he got me down, I’m kind of a bitch, and I’m going to show him by acting like a rock star”) and need a video accompaniment to show them how to react to the song.

It’s also a strange thing to toss said husband into the video for a huggy about-face where you look like you guys generally like each other. How am I supposed to go out and act like a rock star and get over my husband when Pink can’t get over hers? Marriage is tuff, y’all.

Listen Five: OK Pink, we get it, you’re supposed to be the antithesis to Jessica Simpson: she’s blonde, annoying, dating famous athletes, and sings crappy pop songs. Basically she’s you minus self-absorbed preening. (For those not listening to the song, Pink makes reference to Jessica Simpson in the song about Pink’s not as famous as her.)

It was novel in 2004 to make fun of Jessica Simpson because everyone liked her (or loved to hate her). Now, hating Jessica Simpson is like hating Osama Bin Laden: everyone does hate her, but no one even talks about her anymore (well, without a sense of distate). Simpson might as well be in a cave in Peshawar gobbling Tony Romo’s knob in a desperate attempt to get back on top. No one would really miss her.

So Pink, I know you’re making fun of Simpson because you want to be “edgy,” but if you want to pick on someone with cultural cachet: choose Heath Ledger (what? Too soon?). He’s dead (so your insults would be inherently risqué) and never acknowledge he made any movies after A Knight's Tale. That way people would think you were “edgy,” and you hate Brokeback Mountain, which would also make you a hit with the anti-gay community, who, let’s face it, are edgier (and stupider) than being gay at this point.

Final Thoughts: All told, I think this was a pretty good song to do this feature for—it allowed me to make Heath Ledger and oral sex jokes. Oh, and the song is sub-Avril Lavigne pap with a major touch of pop-rock inconsequentiality.

Adventures in Pop Radio 4: “Paper Planes” by M.I.A.

2008-09-03T18:17:00.004-05:00

Background: M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” is the number 6 song in the country, more than a year after the album it comes from, the excellent Kala, was released. It’s unclear why the song has become a surprise hit so far after the fact, but it seems that it’s inclusion in the trailer for Pineapple Express helped it out immeasurably.

Listen One: Really, this should be labeled something like listen 100, as the song is one of my favorites from last year. I used to annoy co-workers at my college newspaper with the song since it was one of my go-to copy-editing soundtracks. The song is still as good as it was then, and it’s the best use of a Clash sample ever recorded in my book (it uses “Straight to Hell”)

Listen Two: It’s kind of curious that the song would rise on the charts considering its nearly diametrically opposed sound to Rihanna, Katy Perry and the other groups at the top right now. It just goes to show that no one can predict a hit anymore—all it takes is a song being in a preview and it can be a hit. It wasn’t even in the movie at all.

Listen Three: I remember last fall when a mini-controversy arose over the fact that MTV and David Letterman’s show censored the gunshots in the video citing violence. I think that’s kind of absurd, considering faux-lesbianism gets prominent play, and the video itself is innocuous, as M.I.A. just walks down a street in her weird electroclash clothes. It’s not like the song is more violent than anything released by Jay-Z or Young Jeezy in the last year.

Listen Four: Now that I think about, it’s really, really, ridiculous that this song is as high as it is now. There have been tons of remixes of the track in the last year, and a re-jiggered version appears on T.I.’s new album (it samples the “Swagger like us” vocal hook).

Listen Five: I’m going to be honest here—this week is kind of a cop-out. I looked at the charts and decided I didn’t want to subject myself to the latest vocal styling’s of Coldplay and Pink. Then I realized I don’t have much to say about this song, considering I wrote a sloppy review of it last fall. Next week, I promise, I’ll do a pop song and make more cock and lesbian jokes.
Post your suggestions for next week’s AIPR in the comments section.

Adventures in Pop Radio 3: “Burning Up” by the Jonas Brothers

2008-08-27T15:31:00.003-05:00

Background: In a bid to maybe up the site’s traffic, and because they’ve got the number one album in the country for the second week in a row, this week’s AIPR is centered on the Jonas Brothers. I promise not to pop wood at the fact these guys are teen idols and everyone loves them. I could care less about their fan base (except for my cousin Molly, who loves them, but also digs Pee-Wee Herman, so it’s excusable), or how putting them on the cover may move more magazines (“Hey, didn’t you say you want to up the site’s traffic?” “Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.”).

The song I’ll be reviewing is “Burning Up,” off the band’s A Little Bit Longer. It’s not in the top 10, but I’ll make an exception since the album is number one in the country.

Listen One: This officially marks the first time I’ve ever listened to a Jonas Brothers song, and it’s worse than I had thought. The song sounds like a Sugar Ray/ Maroon 5/ NSync mash-up engineered by Mutt Lange. Their voices are high, but not in a way that lends itself to repeated listenings (unfortunately for me)—these guys need to finish puberty before they try out a falsetto again methinks. The guitars are brittle, but not in an endearing way. The chorus is catchy, but not in way that makes you sing it afterwards. My mood overall: underwhelmed and bored.

Listen Two: The urge to make repeated dick jokes is very hard to fight here. The album’s called A Little Bit Longer, which lends itself to “millimeter peter” and Enzyte jokes. The song’s called “Burning Up” which lends itself to herpes, Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and scabies jokes. Plus the middle Jonas, I think his name is Joe, looks an awful lot like a chick. So maybe that burning is menstruation related. (I’m a horrible, horrible human being. But don’t blame me, blame the society that makes me, and to a larger extent, the Jonas Brothers, possible.)

Listen Three: I really wonder how many of the Jonas Brothers’ pre-pre-pubescent girls are going to catch the Miami Vice and Kung Fu references here (big ups to David Carradine. Someone give him some other work). I’m willing to bet none. The video seems aimed at the suburban moms who are watching this with their daughters, and can dream as ardently about the Jonas Brothers being her teen idols. Which of course, is really gross, and a brilliant move. But everyone knows suburban moms should be listening to Rod Stewart.

Listen Four: At first my reaction to the black bodyguard portion was sort of mild, now I’m just plain pissed off. I feel bad that that guy had to do the “gentle and complacent” Negro act for a check. He’s presented as a bumbling representation of African Americans for the largely white audience that will be watching-- Always good for laughs, and of course, he can rap. I hope he got paid a lot for that.

Listen Five: So, by and large, I think this is the worst song I’ve covered for AIPR. At least Katy Perry had the good sense to hide her singing and talent deficiencies in faux-lesbianism and Rihanna in cold production. The general pull of the Jonas Brothers seems to be that they’re merely talented for their age, which is like saying I’m the best human ever because of my ability to not piss myself (most of the time). They’re not a technically impressive band, their choruses aren’t that catchy (definitely not as catchy as “I kissed a girl and I liked it”), and the song isn’t that great. Which I guess, by definition, makes this a million seller.

Post your suggestions for next week's AIPR in the comments section.

Adventures in Pop Radio 2: “Disturbia” by Rihanna

2008-08-20T13:14:00.003-05:00

Background: As roughly the 765th track from Rihanna’s Good Girl Gone Bad to hit the charts, “Disturbia” is currently the number one song in the country. After “Umbrella” blew up last summer, Rihanna’s record company decided to re-release the album to try to milk more money out of it. “Disturbia” is a track that was included on the special edition of the album.

Listen One: Is this song an homage to that horrible Shia Labeouf vehicle? On the first go round, the song sounds like the typical pop pap that’s dominated the radio since before I had nut hair (or my nuts even dropped probably). But the thing that’s most enticing about Rihanna (besides her weird, Grace Jones S&M looks) is the production that’s put on her vocals that make her sound like a cyborg from 4300 sent back to dominate the pop charts. It’s likely she has nothing to do with it, but she at least has to consent to having her vocals warped like that, which puts her above songstresses in the Pussycat Dolls or Danity Kane who sing with shitty voices and pray they can pull it off. Rihanna’s vocal inadequacies are highlighted with the chilly production, and turned into a positive.

Listen Two: At first, I thought this would be the first Rihanna song that wasn’t explicitly about her vagina. (“Umbrella” replaced the labia with a pea coat protecting utensil, while “Shut up and Drive” turned her privates into an automobile.) But now, I’m not so sure. There are lines about crawling inside of someone (which my powers of close text reading have taught me mean sex as much as “back door man” means a dude who digs sodomy), so I’m willing to bet it vaguely means something sexual.

Listen Three: So the song’s “bum bum beet um bum” part is getting stuck in my head. Whoever’s writing this stuff knows the power of wordless under-choruses.

Listen Four: I haven’t really watched the video until now, but it just complicates matters. The point seems to be that women are uncontrollable animals who should be caged in subterranean dungeons ripped off from a Prodigy video. My limited exposure to the fairer sex has taught me this isn’t (mostly) the case. I’m not sure what the fire is supposed to signify other than the video had a large pyrotechnic budget.

Listen Five: The song isn’t really that bad, it more just exists. It’s like toilet paper, statues of political figures, and sunsets, in that its better than nothing, but you don’t really think about it unless you’re experiencing it. It’s definitely better than “I Kissed a Girl,” but honestly, I’d rather be listening to “I’ll Believe in Anything” for the 45th time this week (I’m on a bit of a Wolf Parade bender).

Post your suggestions for next week's AIPR in the comments section.

Blender Magazine to Rolling Stone: We can get all tumescent over the Jonas Brothers too!

2008-08-14T20:28:00.003-05:00

Even after leaving the confines of “What’s Justin Timberlake up to” first, “How’s the No Age album? Uh… three stars?” second, grind at Rolling Stone magazine, new Blender big cheese Joe Levy has proven once and for all he can align himself with Rolling Stone’s opinions on the pop zeitgeist. Namely, in getting all hot and bothered by the Jonas Brothers.

Don’t get me wrong, the Jonas Brothers have their strong points (their hair for one… their wholesomeness for second?), but a music magazine targeted at music lovers doesn’t need to bend to the needs of a branch of the population that will never pick up the magazine. (Especially in the issue I’m about to talk about, which features this frightening fellow on the cover, which almosts guarantee white moms in Orange County won’t be buying their kids this month’s Blender.)

The lead review in Blender this month goes to Josh Eells, who needless to say, has a pretty badass name that lends itself well to music criticism (it’s almost up their with Lester Bangs and Mike Ishitalloverrecords), and he penned a glowing review of the Jonas Brothers’ new album, A Little Bit Longer (hey, there’s Enzyte for that). (That's the second of three scheduled boner jokes.)

Eells’ review starts off innocuously enough, providing a rather long intro (something like three-and-a-half graphs, or about 200 words) to contextualize the band to the typical, snarky, Blender reader. Then he gets to the actual review, which begins to close with this gem:

“Becoming a teenager is confusing and scary.”

Yeah, it sure is. But does that fact, and its relation to how the Jonases offer a “safe road map” for girls barely out of their Pull-Ups, make it worthy of a four star review?
And he closes with:

“Yes the Jonases are squishy, vanilla, and too sweet. But so is an ice cream cone. And ice-cream cones are freakin’ delicious. Especially when they come with a cherry on top.”

The whole point of the review seems to claim that because the Jonas Brothers are wholesome, and mildly rocking (like a cross between elevator music and “Don’t Worry Be Happy” played with electric guitars), their CD is, how you say, ah yes, the shit. And they’re like ice cream!

Really, the politics behind the review are what makes it interesting. Did Levy (and possibly other editors) mandate that the album not get shit on for fear of retribution from the band’s label, the Jonases’ fans, and potential seven-year-old readers? Did Levy feel that typical Blender readers, who may or may not be offended by this review, just wouldn’t give as much of a shit that the Jonas Brothers fans?

I can’t deny the Jonas Brothers are huge right now, but the whole thing reeks of trying to strike while the iron’s hot. It’d be easier to throw-up all over the record if these guys were struggling New Jersey Christian rockers without a record deal, and a TV show, and hundreds of thousands of fans behind them. But since they’re huge, they get the lead, tumescent, review.

Adventures in Pop Radio 1: “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry

2008-08-13T16:29:00.006-05:00

Prelude: This is my first crack at what I hope ends up as a recurring feature here at AB.

As an effete music critic, I don’t allow myself to venture into the cultural cesspool that is pop radio. I haven’t regularly listened to “terrestrial” radio in more than a year (since working at apizza joint with the dirty Proles I called my co-workers*), and 100% of my interaction with the Top 40 is through the written word. I base my knowledge of top songs based on what a snarky writer at Rolling Stone has written about hit singles, or my friends saying some hit song sucks. I can’t engage in intelligent discussion on the song because, well, I haven’t heard the song. With this feature, I aim to change that. Each Wednesday, I will purposefully listen (or watch it’s video) to a “hot” song I haven’t heard five times, and write my reactions.

Background: Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” has been called this summer’s big hit (like “Umbrella” last year), and it has also been derided by the Christian Right and the Lesbian community alike. The song traces Perry’s night kissing a girl at a bar for fun, and how it made her feel.

Listen One: Wow. I hadn’t counted on Perry’s voice being as big and throaty as it is here. I expected her, like every (white) female pop songstress of the last 15 years, to sing with a nasally, airy tone that sounds like the words are being inhaled (think about any 8th grade chorus concert you’ve seen, and think of the popular blonde girl’s voice. That’s what I’m trying to describe in vain here). The song is pretty annoying, but it’s pretty catchy and I can imagine this has sold a lot of ringtones to “edgy” college girls

Listen Two: I can understand what the Lesbians are mad at; the song's general purpose seems to flaunt sexual orientation as a pop hook, making Lesbianism an annoying social trend that chicks like Perry try when they’re bored. It marginalizes the struggles Lesbians have and had to go through for their sexual preference.

But the Christian Right have nothing to be mad at here. Throughout the song Perry grapples with whether or not kissing a girl is “wrong” or “right,” (as if there is a right or wrong sexual preference… there is, if it involves kids) ultimate deciding that it isn’t for her. It’s essentially a tale of a good Christian girl being tempted by those evil Lesbos, and deciding to head back to her burly Christian boyfriend (she even gives him a knowing smile of sans-condom Christian sex at the end of the video).

Listen Three: OK. The song is starting to grate on me. She just “liked” kissing a girl. That’s the only descriptive word Perry can muster. This isn’t exactly Dylan (or even Timbaland).

Listen Four: I think the video’s general premise is that if you roll around on a bed and a hot tub in lingerie with other women, you’re going to kiss one. While porn producers like Vivid Entertainment would love us to think that, that’s not how it really works (I think).

It’s likely that if they did a video of Perry actually kissing a girl it would be banned on MTV, but this video with a bunch of women frolicking in lingerie over a song with horrible hair metal riffs and drums is perfectly okay. Pot! Kettle!! Black!!!

Listen Five: This song is about as bad as my roommate promised. The only good part is Perry’s voice, but the lyrics are as trite as they come. It’s just so boring, nothing is revealed, and it seems to only have become a hit due to faux controversy.

What I would do to never hear this one again: See this movie.

* My co-workers were generally nice people, who weren’t proles, more like high school kids who gave me shit for working there for five years, and 30-year-olds who I gave shit for working there. Call it the pathetic circle of life.

Post your suggestions for next week's AIPR in the comments section.

The Future of Music Criticism

2008-08-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

I figure it’s about time I get this blog thing rolling, since it’s not like I’ve got much else going on right now (oh my god The Closer is on.. be right back)……

Just kidding. I figure for the inaugural post writing here at Alamo’s Basement, I’d weigh in on the meta-controversy happening in the blogosphere over the future of musical criticism. Considering the reason I started this blog was to further my own fledgling music criticism career, it seems a fitting place to start.

A colleague over at Prefix wrote a post last week on Hypebot about how all music writers should just shift over to singles coverage because that way they can stay in front of the curve. That logic makes sense-- only if you basically agree you don’t want to make any money as a publication, and you're assuming people only want to hear about songs, not albums.

The song is an unfitting move for musical criticism in the 21st century for a number of reasons, principally, the fact that songs yield a much more cerebral action in readers. Most readers will probably form an opinion of the song quicker than it would take to read a blog post about said song. That would eliminate the need for music writers totally, as any waterhead who loves Gym Class Heroes and has an e-mail account on Hotmail can do that job.

My colleague asserted that a recent survey by a polling group claimed that 80% of people don’t read record reviews, so record reviews should nearly be abandoned. The survey itself is kind of dodgy, but mostly because it assumes that most people read about music. A large percentage of people have, and always will be, inactive consumers of music. If you just listen to whatever shit is on the radio, you’re not likely to read about it. If you get your music tips from the dreaded (hah, pun) guy who smells like patchouli and pulls his pork to Ben Harper and Jack Johnson, you won’t find much you like about Spin magazine. If you buy whatever song is number one on iTunes (probably “I Kissed a Girl,” the subject of an upcoming feature, Adventures in Pop Radio), you’re not likely to give two shits about which band Robert Christgau is busy unbuttoning the pants of to fellate in the pages of Blender (again, probably Ben Harper). You don’t read about music, it merely exists in your personal realm—kind of like reality shows, diarrhea, and economic crisis.

Instead, I think the inverse is more impressive. 20% of people get most of their musical tips from record reviews. That has to be a higher number than who watches a TV show based on a TV review, or how many people see a movie that’s shit on by the movie press. Music writers have incredible cachet among a culture of obsessives who have been strengthened and emboldened by the Internet.

My colleague took a hammering on Idolator for suggesting monetary reasons should play a huge part in the switch to song-based coverage, and I think fairly, but that’s because his point wasn’t fleshed out. The fundamental question is how can publications (like Spin, Prefix, and this shitty blog) employ writers so they don’t have to take jobs as sandwich artisans at Subway, and maintain publication. That question hasn’t been answered in this land of Web 2.0, and it might not ever. The bottom line is that music pubs need to do what they need to do to survive, and my colleague thinks that’s song-based coverage. He unwisely chose to frame that in personal experience about how some posts he wrote got him tons of page views, and that’s what Idolator hit him on. Page views are the ultimate goal of the publishers of music magazines, while music writers need to be concerned with the music. (Although, it is profoundly cool when something you write is widely circulated and discussed, at least for young writers (myself included), and the writer of the Idolator post is widely published in the Onion and Idolator, so that is largely lost on him.)

So, where am I going here? I don’t know either. There is more music around today than there ever was, and listeners who try to make their way through the muck need some guides. That’s where music writers come in.

The original critics like Lester Bangs, Richard Meltzer, and Nick Tosches principle function was to validate rock as an art form, once that was established (say, around the time of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band) music critics essentially became a buyers guide. From 1970 to roughly 1999, music critics were basically telling people whether or not the LP (or 8-track or reel-to-reel or telegraph) of that new J Geils band album was worth their hard earned, Reaganaut money. The Internet shit all over that function (thanks to its tubes) as people could just download albums for free without ever having to read about, or hear, the music prior. That’s where music writers came in, contextualizing the music that came pouring out over their torrent trackers.

And criticism forms another important function for musical obsessives, in that it both validates and negates personal taste. People read just as many bad reviews of albums as they do good, and seem to revel in bad reviews more than they do good. Which is why people are more likely to call for your head (and accuse you of giving gay guys hummers in concert hallways) for a bad review than congratulate you for a review of an album you loved (what, no one agrees with the Hold Steady being awesome? At least no one accusing me of homosexuality).

(An aside: My colleague’s final point is that solid criticism will (probably) always have a place in the world, but most reviewers will need to get with the song quickly, or they’ll lose out on their cachet (or something). This portion is kind of innocuous for a mission statement, and I don’t know I included it. But it chaps my ass that he tossed in a Tha Carter III reference at the end, because he’s more inclined to get sloppy over a terribly shitty Melvins record than ever throw on Lil Wayne’s stoned-us opus. I get the feeling he included Tha Carter III because he desperately wanted the post to have some hipster cache, and since the Melvins suck dick (that’s solid criticism, in case you were curious), he chose Tha Carter III. He probably couldn’t tell you what an 808 is.)

Music criticism will be fine, at least superficially, just like other struggling entities in Web 2.0, like newspapers, the music business, pornography, and digital pancakes (get on it Steve Jobs!) (and wait… newspapers are totally fucked). The problem isn’t with the role of music criticism, that’s already been set in stone; it’s a profit stream problem, which doesn’t bode well for me and a generation of hopeful writers. But there’s more places to write than ever, just less opportunities to make a living doing so. Long story short, start working on your Subway application while reviewing the Ra Ra Riot album.

Coming Wednesday: Adventures in Pop Radio 1: Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl.” As a music snob, I rarely listen to the trash that percolates in that cultural sin bin of pop radio (I hope you sense the seething sarcasm that’s present all over that sentence). For this first edition of the feature, I will purposefully listen to “I Kissed a Girl” five times in a row, and report my findings.